Sharknado

Chances are that even if you’ve never watched it, by now you’ve at least heard of Sharknado. Coming out in 2013, Sharknado is exactly what it sounds like. It’s what happens when you mix a Shark (or multiple in the case of this movie and series) and a tornado. I had pretty much forgotten that this movie exists until a coworker mentioned binging the first four with his family on vacation. I think we all knew there’s more than one in this franchise; but did you know that not only is there six of these, but a 7th is planned to release this year, summer 2026? Apparently it’s slated to be Sharknado Origins. So, the Sharknado existed before the events of this movie? Sure. Ok. Whatever I guess.

Anyways, let’s hop in our cages and batten down the hatches, because it’s time for a Sharknado!

I’ll admit that I’ve only ever watched this one, and probably the night it premiered on SyFy. I honestly didn’t remember a thing about this movie going into this watch. Minus the obvious of sharks and tornados of course.

The movie begins with some really weird storyline of some shady shark-hunting business transaction, along with some absolutely horrible CGI. The scene is happening in a storm with heavy rain, yet nobody is getting wet. But worry not, this scene does nothing to set up the movie as all the characters are killed off.. except for the aforementioned sharks. The reason why this business transaction is happening never pops up again. We’re off to a killer start.

We follow our main character, a surfer and bar owner on the Santa Monica pier named Finley (Fin. Because of course.) who is played by Ian Ziering, as a hurricane is headed towards Santa Monica / Los Angeles county, California. But, and here’s a spoiler for you all, a group of tornados catches a bunch of sharks! Fins mission is to be the hero of the movie, along with his bartender, Nova (who I’m fairly certain they don’t give a name to until about 50 minutes into the movie), Fin’s friend Baz, and a regular of Fin’s bar, George, who is played by Kevin McAllister’s dad, Peter (the late John Heard). Fin must get to his ex wife’s house to ensure the safety of his family. His ex is played by Tara Reid in the performance of a lifetime.

All along the way, Fin takes some side quests in making sure nobody gets eaten by sharks. I’m sure Samuel L Jackson would have appreciated Fin in Deep Blue Sea. Fin makes it a goal to make sure everyone he comes across is brought to safety because he just can’t help himself.

If you’re going into this hoping for a good movie you’re going to be sadly mistaken. There’s plotholes a-plenty. The acting is horrible. The CGI is worse. The jokes are funny only because they’re bad. Not in a dad-joke way either. Like, in a “Someone wrote this line and actually thought ‘nailed it’ sort of way?”. I’m pretty sure during the first movie the writers weren’t yet in on the joke and actually treating this as a serious attempt at movie making. The film is replete with shots of it either being sunny while it’s pouring, dry streets during and after the storm, or talking about and showing close-ups of flooded streets along with sharks swimming through the waters, immediately followed by a farther shot where the characters are standing on a street where there’s not even any puddles. And all the dialogue is delivered in the rush of “We need to get these lines going, SyFy is only giving us an hour and a half!”

But having said that, if you turn off your brain this movie is fun. But you have to go in with zero expectations. Go in knowing it’s bad and you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Watch it knowing to expect nothing from the dialogue but poorly delivered lines and you’re going to be fine.

Score: 4.5 fins. Shark fins. Not Finley Fin’s.
What kind of score is even that?

Spoiler Review

The film fits squarely in “So bad it’s good” territory. The dialogue is so nonscencial. Including near the very beginning Baz being bit by a shark and explaining “He must have wanted a snack” to Fin responding “Sharks don’t like Vegemite” to which Baz then says “It’s not funny!” You’re right, Baz. It’s not funny. And somehow it’s what makes it hilarious.

Seriously, I can’t stop laughing. This movie is hysterical. Including the shots of the school bus in flooded water where we can see Fin and crew is under the overpass, but when they drive away the road is just a bit wet. Or as he’s repelling down from the overpass to the bus and April and his maybe-girlfriend Nova, who I’m not even sure they say the name of until about the 50 minute mark, are looking down below at Fin’s rescue attempt on the bus and we can see that the streets of LA are bone dry.

I get it, it’s low budget B-tier made-for-TV schlock. But it’s the lack of detail that I love about this film. None of it makes actual sense, and it’s amazing.

Like I said above. This movie is rife with plotholes. Just all kinds of things that make zero actual sense and with any logic completely stop the movie from occurring. They’re talking about how a hurricane is coming towards the shore of Santa Monica. Yet the bar is open, Fin has done nothing to prepare for it, and the county and state have done nothing to evacuate the area. I can assure anyone who’s not aware that hurricanes don’t pop up like tornados. Meteorologists can see them spinning up weeks in advance. In the case of this movie, they specifically call it Hurricane David, which means it’s not just “hurricane like conditions”. Even before a hurricane are other levels including tropical depression and tropical storm. They knew about this and they all should have been long gone before this thing hit.

This issue is further exacerbated near the final act of the movie. In the retirement home, we see people in the pool. You can argue that maybe they’re out in the eye of the storm but the eye, while it’s scarily calm, doesn’t make it safe. Being inside the eye means the storm is about to smack you again soon enough. It’s not a ramp up like as a storm first approaches. It’s basically 0 - 60 in seconds.

And to add to all that, the storm never does re-hit. They mention being in the eye, but once they blast the tornados out of the sky the clouds open up and we get sunshine. That won’t magically happen.

I don’t really understand the entire dynamic with Fin and his family. His ex wife is now living with her boyfriend, yet he’s surprised that she’s no longer using her married name. Also it seems pretty clear that Fin is very much in his daughters (and I guess sons) life. April mentions that his day to be with the kids is the 20th of the month. Meanwhile everyone acts like Fin is an absentee dad, including his daughter who at one point gives him a “Oh now you care?” line. At one point Cassidy mentions Fin abandoning them, but the actions in the movie show that he’s very much still in the picture. I was a big fan of (read: yelling at the TV in disbelief) Fin reminding his daughter “I came for you first” to make sure she’s safe during the hurricane. Yet earlier in the movie, he thought Matt was in Tampa; not in-state at the Air Force academy. Yes, I was actually screaming at the TV at this point “YOU THOUGHT HE WAS IN TAMPA!”

At this point I’ve never watched anything past the first one. Nova is made to be such a weird mysterious character. I love that she has this weird shark backstory that we finally get an answer to it in the third act, complete with a scar that looks like shark fins that coincidentally is actually from a shark bite. Oh, and the line at the start of the movie “I cut myself shaving” to explain it away until later.

The ending of the movie is a complete cluster. Their plan doesn’t really make sense. They’re trying to take out the sharks while they’re all swept up in the tornado but I don’t at all understand why. On one hand, the idea of “We’re going to counteract the conditions that cause the tornado to stop them” is really cool. But their actual plan it to do this to kill the sharks. But… once the tornado dissipates, the sharks are going to crater from hundreds of feet in the air. They’re going to die once they smack into the pavement, a building, whatever. They’re not going to survive the fall. So sheltering in place, which they very specifically opt not to do, is their best plan of action. The shark problem will take care of itself once the storm passes.

Here’s a note that I wrote when watching this: Fin is now sniping sharks out of the air with a pistol.
Yup. that’s the note. Nothing else needs to be said. Just Fin straight up sniping sharks flying hundreds of feet in the sky with a pistol.

The end of the movie is fantastic. I mean that honestly. It’s so bizarre, stupid, whatever you want to say. Fin jumps into a falling sharks mouth chainsaw first, then rips his way out from the inside. Honestly incredible. And how utterly convenient that this just so happens to be the same shark that ate Nova out of the sky - and that she was eaten whole, not bit like literally every other character in the movie. Like I said, I’ve never seen any of the next five movies. I don’t know if Nova comes back, if she’s now randomly Matt’s love interest, or what to even expect.

To be clear, I’m not joking about the above 2-fins-out-of-2 review. This movie is a mess, but very much in a “turn your brain off, sit back, and just watch it all unfold” sort of way. I did buy the full 6-pack off Apple TV, so I’m invested in where the story goes next. And you’ll find out my thoughts on them very soon.